Please Go Away
It was a Tuesday, the day I stopped talking.
Okay, not literally stopped talking. I speak if spoken to, obviously. I'm a high school librarian which means, daily, I'm approached by people who need help with things like finding and checking out books, having questions answered, looking for guidance, etc. I definitely talk to them, so when I write that I've stopped talking, that's not 100% accurate.
What is accurate is this:
No one listens to me when I start a conversation by talking. No one checks in when words roll out of me like a need. I'm seen as the answer department or the help, not a source worth tuning into, especially when the source is dumping sentences unsolicited.
For example:
This morning, as we drove to school together, Glen and I were musing about our upcoming day and I mentioned (see, that's TALKING.....no one's listening, though, so why???) that I was going to take my gym bag into work with me so I could be changed and ready for the gym when he picked me up this afternoon. My mistake was thinking he was listening. As soon as I opened the trunk (in the parking lot at school) and went to retrieve my gym bag, he asked me what I was doing.
Uh....I'm getting the bag with my gym clothes in it so I CAN BE DRESSED FOR THE GYM WHEN YOU PICK ME UP THIS AFTERNOON.....????????????
(Didn't I just say that?)
He was super annoyed with me that I seemed super annoyed. He growled that he was half-asleep and hungry. (Join the club, pal! I got the same amount of sleep you did! I haven't had breakfast, either!!) Regardless, when he shed any facade of being present in the car conversation from five minutes prior, it was just too much. I was pissed and hurt and damn near tears. Seriously. Why doesn't ANYONE listen to me when I talk?????
Ah. The question. No one listens beccause I'M the one who's talking.
Got it.
So....I'm "talking" here. I have to do it somewhere. Just because, going forward, I'm establishing verbal "radio silence" doesn't mean the words inside have died. They're very much alive---TOO alive, in fact----so they have to go somewhere.
I'm sad. I've never, ever been someone who was listened to, and at 49, I'm worn out with being interrupted, talked over, ignored, and blatantly shunned. As a spiritual person, I'm trying to see the God in this----this is the path He intends for me, I'm not the person who gets to be heard---but I'm also a flawed human person who wonders why this is so (and, ACHES at the non-answer). It's revolting to my fleshly self that SOME humans are held in that regard while others aren't. It's galling and painful. I want it. I want to be listened to. It's an intense yearning that I wish I could eradicate. I'm NOT GOING TO BE LISTENTED TO. Why can't I stop craving that?????? Why won't this feeling simply go away???????
Okay, not literally stopped talking. I speak if spoken to, obviously. I'm a high school librarian which means, daily, I'm approached by people who need help with things like finding and checking out books, having questions answered, looking for guidance, etc. I definitely talk to them, so when I write that I've stopped talking, that's not 100% accurate.
What is accurate is this:
No one listens to me when I start a conversation by talking. No one checks in when words roll out of me like a need. I'm seen as the answer department or the help, not a source worth tuning into, especially when the source is dumping sentences unsolicited.
For example:
This morning, as we drove to school together, Glen and I were musing about our upcoming day and I mentioned (see, that's TALKING.....no one's listening, though, so why???) that I was going to take my gym bag into work with me so I could be changed and ready for the gym when he picked me up this afternoon. My mistake was thinking he was listening. As soon as I opened the trunk (in the parking lot at school) and went to retrieve my gym bag, he asked me what I was doing.
Uh....I'm getting the bag with my gym clothes in it so I CAN BE DRESSED FOR THE GYM WHEN YOU PICK ME UP THIS AFTERNOON.....????????????
(Didn't I just say that?)
He was super annoyed with me that I seemed super annoyed. He growled that he was half-asleep and hungry. (Join the club, pal! I got the same amount of sleep you did! I haven't had breakfast, either!!) Regardless, when he shed any facade of being present in the car conversation from five minutes prior, it was just too much. I was pissed and hurt and damn near tears. Seriously. Why doesn't ANYONE listen to me when I talk?????
Ah. The question. No one listens beccause I'M the one who's talking.
Got it.
So....I'm "talking" here. I have to do it somewhere. Just because, going forward, I'm establishing verbal "radio silence" doesn't mean the words inside have died. They're very much alive---TOO alive, in fact----so they have to go somewhere.
I'm sad. I've never, ever been someone who was listened to, and at 49, I'm worn out with being interrupted, talked over, ignored, and blatantly shunned. As a spiritual person, I'm trying to see the God in this----this is the path He intends for me, I'm not the person who gets to be heard---but I'm also a flawed human person who wonders why this is so (and, ACHES at the non-answer). It's revolting to my fleshly self that SOME humans are held in that regard while others aren't. It's galling and painful. I want it. I want to be listened to. It's an intense yearning that I wish I could eradicate. I'm NOT GOING TO BE LISTENTED TO. Why can't I stop craving that?????? Why won't this feeling simply go away???????
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